Natural Family Planning

Me holding my God-daughter, Geneva about a minute after she was born

















Q: What do you call a couple practicing the Rhythm Method?

A: Parents

Yes, we have heard this joke before. What Jake and I always say is, "well, we're not practicing the Rhythm Method; we're using natural family planning."

Huh?

Most people think of the rhythm method as that inaffective Catholic practice used to decide when to have sex based on the menstural cycle. The myth is that every woman everywhere, across the world ovulates at exactly the same time -- on the 14th day of her cycle.

This is sadly untrue. Women ovulate at different times, sometimes different times every month. Ovulation is affected by stress, plane rides. Practicing NFP requires vigilance in order to do it well. Everyone I know who has gotten pregnant on the NFP we are using either knew they were taking a risk having sex near the date they ovulated or weren't charting accurately.

But often all we hear is, "pregnant on NFP. Big surprise." There are so many misconceptions around NFP. When a friend recently heard we were doing NFP he was skeptical. He respected our decision but thought it was crazy that we could be pregnant at any moment. He was a bit surprised to hear that there is only a 24 hour window once a month in which to conceive. Our friend was imaging that we were fertile all the time! This new information made the whole venture a lot more realistic for him.

The journey into natural birth control is a theological issue for me and Jacob. I know this makes a lot of folks bristle. What we don't mean: that people who use barrier methods or oral contraception are going to hell. We certainy know there is a time and a place for birth control, particularly in countries with high numbers of HIV/AIDS infection where women have very little control over what their husbands bring into their beds.

What we do mean is that, first and foremost, children are a blessing. Because they are gifts we treat them as such and welcome them with the same hospitality. We also want to establish a marriage that honors creation. Both of our bodies are set up with systems and signs which tell us when we are present to the week when we are able to conceive. There are ample amounts of time where our sexual activity is procreative for our relationship building but not for child-conceiving (i.e. times when the gift is not available). We want to work within those boundaries and into the cycles which are part of who we are as created beings.

In other words, NFP is a gift! The belief in each other's fidelity allows us to have sex without a barrier; the belief in God's radical abundance allows us to trust in the process of our bodies; our belief in the church's committment to raising our children with us frees us from the fear of want.

As for the specifics, for those interested, I will give a brief outline. There are three signs to tell fertility:

1. position of the cervics
2. the viscosity of daily cervical fluid
3. waking temperature

With these steps I can pinpoint which day I ovulate. There's about a ten day window of abstinence for those trying to avoid conception (like us) because sperm can live in a woman's body for up to five days after intercourse (how cool it that!). The other days buffer the post-ovulatory phase, just in case alcohol, a plane ride or a temperature from sickness are masking the signs that ovulation has happened.

I've been "charting" (which is what this process of mapping the month is called) for about six months. It's incredible how clear the signs become, how amazing it is to know what my body is doing and how it is preparing each month to bring life into the world. I also want to remember, though, that one of the main reasons for doing this is to put our lives firmly in the plans of God. My friend Seeca reminded me the other day that, for all our trying, sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes we find out we're infertile, can't carry a pregnancy to term or have to use birth control because of a medical issue. For all our trying, God is the one in control. In all things, we are entrusted to his unfailing love.

To hear about our method of Natural Family Planning check out this link.

Family

Three Generations: Jacob, his mom, grandma, and great-grandma


This past weekend Jacob and I went back to Iowa for his sister's wedding. I have met lots of the Florer and Fredregill families in the past two trips to the mid-West, but this was the big show. Everyone I had heard about and seen in pictures was there. It was a beautiful celebration of family and friends and the grace we receive from those who bind us together as families. Since my family is so small and detached, this was also a huge culture shock, everyone living in relative proximity, still involved, still present.

What I especially appreciated was getting to know all the people who helped form my future husband. These people all share a piece of both Jacob's biological makeup and his upbringing as a learner, a friend and a man of faith. I wanted to thank every person I met for the person he has become, for the gifts he brings to the world and for the way he blesses my life. I also found some great pictures of baby Jake which I thought everyone would enjoy.....

Baby Jake at six months



A young start to coolness (especially loving the snoopy belt buckle)

107

One of the best parts of the Melissa/Jacob story is how many times we missed running into each other in the past few years. The big miss was when we both were studying in Oxford in 2002. As it turns out, we lived half a mile from one another. It's also a little funny that both our house numbers were 107 (the l'Arche community's number is 107 also). I worked at a pub, the Eagle and Child where lots of the Wheaton boys frequented so chances are good we ran into each other at least a few times. We even went to the same Anglican church!

But we had a few other close calls. When I was digging in Israel Jacob was on Wheaton's holy Lands tour. He visited the tel, Hazor that summer just a few hours after our work day ended. When I was a grad student at Duke, he came and stayed with some of our good guy friends a few separate times. Even with him going to vespers and me studying in the building next door, we never crossed paths.

Guess things needed to come full circle. We're really happy to cross each other's path every day now.

Guests!

Wedding news is slow but we are happy to welcome lots of friends into the area. Our good friends the Smalleys from North Carolina were up here last week. Our friend Joshua also stayed for a while. Now my sister is in Portland for the summer working/living in l'Arche (l'Arche is often a family affair). Gwyneth and Carla were out here, as were Lindsey and Frank as well as our friend Joseph. Soon both sets of parents will be out in the great Northwest. Come out and visit us! We always have room on the couch....



Jacob and Joshua being technical

Colonials, Sodexho and corporate responsibility

Things were going just to smoothly....

A few weeks ago Jacob and I were able to secure the site for our reception. We were doing the usual dance between cost and committment but felt like we landed a nice medium. George Mason University rents out a ballroom space which we thought was perfect. We were strictly avoiding those places which operate off the wedding industry. These places will charge you thousands more for a wedding than if you were to, say, rent the space for your Grandma's birthday. They almost always require you to use their caterer, have an open bar and charge absurd fees for stuff you never thought would be extra (like lighting? give me a break).

GMU seemed perfect. They are close to the church which cuts down on driving (read gas useage). They would let us use whatever caterer we wanted and charged a reasonable fee for the faciltiies. Plus, I felt like I was supporting the school which provided one of the best NCAA cinderella basketball stories of the decade. Even though they messed up my bracket big time, I became a Colonials fan after Duke's horrible performance at the Big Dance.

But problems are starting to arise. GMU will let you use your own caterer, but not their kitchen (thank the Lord my mom's a contract manager and pays attention to this stuff). GMU let us know they would be happy to have Sodexho cater my event.

A little background on Sodexho. They are the country's biggest food service company. Most meal plans we were on in college, most hospital food, most vending services in the USA are provided by this monster of a multinational. In their words, "The people of Sodexho touch the lives of millions of men, women and children each day."

Unfortunately Sodexho hasn't always touched lives in a positive way. In 2001 a lawsuit for discrimination was filed against the company. Seems Sodexho refused the promotion of over 3,400 mid-level black employees. There were also incidents of the n-word being thrown around the office and certain accounts being ignored because they were "black accounts." They settled for $80 million in 2002.

Perhaps the words "blood-sucking leech monster bound for the hottest depths of hell" are going through your mind right now. But hold on. Since 2002, the company has initated a new series of "corporate responsibility" clauses. They have a pretty awesome website to back it up complete with measured results of their progress over the years. They are contributing to a breakfast program for low-income school children, signed on to the Global Sullivan Principles for Social Responsibility, offer fair trade coffee and now provide a line of local, organic food. On the protest side, the critics of Sodexho have badly written and/or defunct websites, no new information and offer a lot of opinions without factual support.

Still, for us, this isn't an easy decision. We were really excited to use Fresh Start catering, a work program of DC Central Kitchen. The Kitchen offers a culinary school for chronically unemployable adults. The first job you get after graduating is with Fresh Start. You get experience and a resume builder before going on to working for other companies.

It's a brilliant idea and one we want to support. But without use of the kitchen (which we think is pretty insidious of GMU because of course this forces you to use their caterer) we can't do it. Plus Fresh Start doesn't have linens or dishware so we have to go to another company for that. And at this point in the game it's hard to imagine going through the work of finding another location.

Not only that, we also want to support companies that are trying to clean up their acts in the same way we want to support larger supermarkets who offer local, organic produce. Like all things, this is a negotiation. Ultimately, we are interested in change, in seeing companies respond to internal problems, put environmental sustainability into action and provide proper support to their employees. We aren't interested in being angry for the sake of being angry.

If we do decide to go with Sodexho we will write them a letter letting them know that we are giving them our business because of the changes they've made and for the ways they have responded to the lawsuit. We're also happy for any input anyone has on this topic.

Candles for you!

A few weeks ago core member Erin Wheeler went with me to see a Mariners game in Seattle. She was mostly in it for the hamburger but I think she enjoyed seeing the people in the stadium and yelling "go team" (although unfortunately indiscriminate about which team she yelled this at).

Another great part of that time was visiting the l'Arche community in Seattle (l'Arche Noah Sealth). We were there for the Director's 25th anniversary in the community which meant one morning Erin got two breakfastes which was okay by her. We stayed for a few nights in Angeline house where my friend Leah from Duke is an assistant.

We also got to meet a bunch of the folks who work in the candle workshop, the work program run by the community. About a month before our trip, Jacob and I decided to ask Noah Sealth if they would make candles as gifts for our guests. Two hundred candles was a tall order because they are a small operation but the project leader, Alex said they could swing it with enough time in advance. If you end up liking the candles and want to order more, you can contact the community through this link.

One of the challenges for many men and women with disabilities, particularly those with moderate disabilities, is the lack of things to do during the day. Most work programs run half-day and group homes/foster care agencies are expected to have their clients sit around in the house after 12. Many work programs use these folks to fill time, don't pay a fair wage and often maintain poor facilities. There are many l'Arche communities which provide alternative experiences. In our region, L'Arche Tahoma Hope in Tacoma operates a farm and gardens project. They write:

"The mission of L'Arche Farm & Gardens is to provide work in an atmosphere of dignity and respect, using horticulture and art to broaden and enhance the unique gifts of adults with developmental disabilities."

Other communities run candle or soap workshops. You can also checkout the previous post about Eileen in D.C. who is a part of Art Enables. Jake and I are excited to share with you our l'Arche life through the giftings and talents of the core members who share life in Noah Sealth.

Visit from Eileen

We got a real treat yesterday with a visit from Eileen Schofield and Amy Marie, a core member and assistant from the l'Arche community in D.C. Part of the discernment process for coming into l'Arche involves a weekend visit to a community and since D.C. was the closest to me in August, that's where I went.

Eileen was one of the first core members that I met. She has a great Mississipi accent and loves shrimp. She's also really short so standing next to Joni (or even better hugging Joni), our unusually tall core member, is a very funny and awesome sight.

The other amazing thing about Eileen is her part in a program called Art Enables. Art Enables is an art-as-enterprise foundation which provides folks with disabilties professional instruction, materials and studio space for creating their art. And this art is AMAZING. Eileen is often commissioned to paint. Her work is also sold on-line here.

Ever since I met Eileen I wanted a piece of her art in my house. We made a deal with the seller at Eileen's work to put two of her pieces on our registry. They are reserved for us but if no one buys for us we committed to purchase out of pocket after the wedding.

Eileen is just another example of the amazing men and women who are changed and change others through the healing examples of mutuality, respect and common life in the l'Arche community. Jacob and I support the Portland community with our presence, mine as a live-in assistant and his as an extended community member. We also help to support them financially in any ways we are able. As such, one of our registry requests is for donations to be made to support and nourish the lives of Joni, Adam, Marilyn and Erin in l'Arche Nehalem.

Flowers

The Sunday New York Times had a great article on Mothers Day flowers. The author was Amy Stewart who wrote a book called "Flower Confidential: The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful in the Business of Flowers".

I think it's often times very hard for people (like me) to make decisions when they are isolated to an "earth friendly cause." No matter how strong your theology of creation, it can be difficult to sense your brocolli crying out from the table. Stewart helps me remember that there are very human elements involved in every environmental cause, that workers are inseperable from the chemicals and pesticides used to treat our plants, food and flowers.

She writes about the flower industry in South America, where most of our wedding, get-well-soon and Mothers Day flowers are shipped from. Because they have to get over the border, the flowers have to meet anti-fungal and de-bugging standards. Stewart writes:

"On a flower farm in Ecuador, I saw workers dunk bunches of roses, blossom-first, into a barrel of fungicide just before shipment. The stench was so overpowering that I had to resist the urge to run outside for air. Chemicals dripped off the flowers, they sloshed on the floor and it seemed impossible that the workers — almost all women — could get through the day without getting covered in them, too."

The full affects of health and birth defects of these chemicals are still being investigated but there is no doubt that these practices are harmful for the mostly women who work in the fields for little pay, no vacation and without health care benefits.

Stewart also adds a note about VeriFlora , a new certification program which ensures that flowers are organic and that flower companies employ fair wage and labor practices.

She says that the problem right now is that so few people carry these flowers. A really great way to help is by calling and asking your florist for flowers with the label. Hopefully the demand will drive the prices down and make the certification more popular.

Jacob and I are still unsure what we are going to do about flowers. We'll probably order some from Organic Bouquet but we're also looking into some alternatives like using potted plants from a greenhouse, replacing bride's maids flowers with candles and finding local dried flowers and herbs. We'll see.....

Wedding Dresses

Over the weekend I was on the North Shore in New England for my sister's graduation from Gordon. It rained the entire time we were there. Despite living in Portland, one of the rainier places in our country, I have never seen rain like that.

We did manage to score a wedding dress (you can see it on flickr).

We were looking at several options, some of which may be helpful to those looking for alternatives to buying a new dress. There are lots of "green" dresses out there. Most come from personalized designers but many mainline designers (even Giorgio Armani) have made dresses of sustainable materials. The main ingredients are hemp and silk. The one's I really liked came from Threadhead in AZ.

There are also some great second-hand ideas, where to buy and where to give it when you are done wearing it. The I Do Foundation buys already-worn dresses and sells them through consignment. They give the proceeds to charitable organizations.

Three Others:
The Bridal Garden -The Bridal Garden's non-profit bridal boutique offers top designer gowns at reasonable prices. Proceeds benefit the Sheltering Arms Children's Services.

Making Memories Breast Cancer Foundation - By donating to Brides Against Breast Cancer your wedding and bridesmaids dresses, your 100% tax-deductible gift supports the fight against breast cancer.

The Glass Slipper Project- Here's your chance to help a Chicago high school student be the "Belle of the Ball" at her high school prom. The Glass Slipper Project collects new and almost-new formal dresses and accessories and provides them, free of charge, to Chicago high school students who are unable to purchase their own prom attire.

We ended up finding my dress at a great little store in Wenham called Over the Rainbow. It looks great and we were excited to get it for half the original price!

decisions, decisions

I'm back in the community after two full days on the farm. Two new apprentices started working this week and I am noticing and enjoying the changes in energy, dispersion of work and the new stories Solei and Brian bring with them. It's also always good for me to be reminded of where my food comes from. We are especially cognizant this week as much of the day-labor farming and construction projects around the country were cleared out during Day With No Immigrants. On the farm we do a lot of the hand/back labor we associate with undocumented workers. It's tough, often tougher than I like during my "weekends" spent away from l'Arche. As Jake reminds me, most of the time we're only cheating the curse because others are bearing its brunt.

We also spent a long time last night talking through some of the issues surrounding our wedding registries. The primary question was around supporting Ten Thousand Villages. TTV is a store which sells fair trade international gifts. They support local artisans and ultimately provide income for the communities where they live. It also happens to be the main vehicle of financial support for MCC, the Mennonite Central Committee, the primary arm of Mennonite mission in the world.

But supporting Ten Thousand Villages with our money is complicated. Because all their products are imported the store uses more than its share of petroleum shipping to the U.S. from India, Asia and Africa. We know that the environmental impacts of importation are devistating. And what about local economies? Would we rather support local bsuinesses and craftspeople?

The challenge is to balance sustainability, local production, organically grown products and charitably supportive purchasing. Unfortunately sometimes, most times, we have to chose between. It seems like every decision has three more behind it. It's hard to imagine doing all these things well, how to be and live like Christ. We're trying but we could certainly use some prayer, advice and encouragement along the way....

Recycled Rings and Other Things

First, a big thank you to Jacob's Grandma Peg for providing us with a really beautiful ring. It was a gift to her from her husband, the late Grandpa Tom to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary.

There's lots of things we like about it. It was a gift with meaning and love which made me feel very welcomed by the Fredregill family. Starting off with a symbol of 25 years of fidelity always before us seems like a good way to go.

We were also aware that investing in a new ring meant paying special attention to where its materials came from. Precious stones are often the way guerilla organziations in unstable countries, particualrly in Africa, finance civil wars. Mining camps in Angola, Burma, Liberia and Sierra Leone are sites of massive human rights violations, including forced amputation and child labor infringement.

For those looking, some alternatives include Green Karat and Leber Jewelers. Look for Canadian diamonds and recycled gold. Also, be aware that if you don't know the country it came from, it isn't clean. De Beers, the London warehouse, is where most jewelers get their gems. The company doesn't keep records of where the diamonds are mined so they certify them all as clean. Go figure.

See this article for more on de Beers.

Welcome

Jacob and I wanted to start this up for a few reasons. First, it's a great way to keep our far-away family and friends connected to everything happening in the next year. We hope to include information about the wedding, where we register as well as stories and pictures from this preparation time.

We also want to share with those closest to us the kind of practices we hope to embody as a couple. In January everyone will be asked an important question, "will all you witnessing these promises do all in your power to uphold these two persons in their marriage?" When you say "we will" we want you to know the ways you can encourage, challenge and bless us as you go about your upholding.

As Christians, one of those most basic practices has to do with how we use the resources of God's created order. The Book of Common Prayer also tells us that "the bond and covenant of marriage was established in creation." We want our wedding to be the first sign and first fruit of our belief in the abundance and the responsibility of caring for creation.

Our last hope for this little project is that it will be a resource for others who hope to celebrate the first day of marriage in a way that leaves little impact on the earth. We won't get everything right. There are lots of other ways to have a wedding. Our hope is that you will travel through this time with us, provide your feedback and pray for us each day.

Thanks for tuning in!

Melissa